We get the autopsy report today..

Incredible. I sit here to type, to begin a ritualistic journaling of my thoughts which I intended to do by starting this blog yesterday and my hands are shaking. I am trembling with an insatiable amount of gratitude that our birth story I posted yesterday has reached so many people and touched so many families already in less than 24 hours. Already 125 shares from my original Facebook post! I am just amazed at how this went viral and certainly did not expect the response I was given. For that I feel truly blessed.

I remember in the first few weeks after Hayden's death I felt like the daily pain and darkness would be a forever struggle and that I would continue to only get out of bed at noon until the day I finally and dreadfully had to return to work. I have come so far from those early weeks. It has been 9 weeks today since I gave birth to a beautiful and sleeping angel, 9 weeks since I held his little body in my arms and kissed him goodbye. Toady I am a new woman. Today I realize I have a purpose, which used to be the upcoming desired responsibility of parenting and caring for my long awaited son, but now, it is to keep his memory alive and find ways to "parent" him everyday by honoring his name.

I am glad that I was fortunate enough to receive so many kind and inspiring words from friends, family and strangers yesterday after people read our birth story as today I need that under me to lift me up and prepare me for this long awaited and and painful appointment with our Obstetrician. Today we will go over the final results of Hayden's autopsy. After Hayden was born his body was sent to the IWK via helicopter for them to perform an autopsy and give us all an answer for his death. It was hard to imagine my little boy in a box of ice flying over all these parts of the province and cities I dreamed of taking him to..family drives, car seat in the back, getting frustrated over spilled juice boxes an repetitive questions "Are we there yet!!??". I planned in my mind future camping trips on the Fundy coast, Magic Mountain, the Moncton Zoo, and visiting the tall ships in Halifax. I always thought he would be an adventurous boy. A dreamer like his mother and a wild child like his father. I thought he would run around pretending to be a pirate and can even see the look on his face as he caught a glimpse of the miraculous ships on the Halifax harbor for the first time- ships just like those that would have been in all the stories I read to him. Instead he flew over these monuments of possibility in a forever sleep on his way to be sectioned off with scalpels in a cold room on a cold table by faceless doctors in masks.

Nick is leaving work early today to take me to this appointment. I honestly don't know if I am ready for it. Most of me truly believes this tragedy was just the result of a freak accident with the umbilical cord in labor. I remember when we went to our long anticipated 3D ultrasound in Saint John on
Christmas Eve and got to see his little face and body moving on the screen the technician joyfully noted that he was a busy little one who couldn't keep his fingers out of his mouth or his hands off the cord pulling it and waving it around. I still have a video of that ultrasound which I have not been able to bring myself to watch since his death, I remember looking at it and laughing about how he wouldn't stop playing with that damn cord! It was funny then, cute even. It made me think of how much of a handful he would be when he was finally born. He managed to get that cord wrapped around his neck and shoulder while playing with it in the womb and as he descended lower in my pelvis during labor it tightened around him and pinched it in a certain and perfect way to end his life. That is how I have been seeing it. If today I find out it was more than that I really don't know what I will do. What else could it be? Was is really my fault? Had I done something wrong? Am I incapable of having healthy living children? Did I pass on a genetic default to my little boy that killed him in my womb? I am scared of those thoughts but I really don't believe them. I had a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby up until the last few hours of my gestation at almost 41 weeks. Surely if there had been something wrong it would have happened before I was overdue and in labor.. Surely..

Earlier this month I saw my doctor for my 6th week check up and to receive the preliminary autopsy report. I had a difficult time walking in that office. I sat for what seemed like a very long time surrounded by pregnant mothers and one infant baby boy who looked no older than what Hayden would have been then. The pregnant ladies were all smiling and rubbing their bellies, they were innocent. I knew what that felt like because I was there not long ago. Of course you don't have anything to worry about, no one thinks they do. The baby was crying and his mother was walking him around the waiting area rocking him in her arms. I held back tears. I wished so bad I was holding Hayden in my arms, coaxing him to go back to sleep. I would have done anything ANYTHING to have my screaming, red-faced baby on my lap. A nurse came out and got me, she brought me in a private room to wait and asked me if I had been in there long, she knew who I was and why I was there and apologized that I had to sit out there amongst all that commotion and tragic possibility of what could have been for me. I began to cry and she knelt down in front of me and cried too. I showed her a picture of Hayden and she stared for a really long time and told me how beautiful he was. Yes, he really was. He still is.

So today I am going back there again, I do not know what to expect. I am glad I am not going alone this time and that I will have Nick next to me. I pray that I learn no more bad news, nothing new or unforeseen. I pray that I can lay to rest my "cause of death" finally and permanently. I pray that I will make peace with whatever it may be.

Thank you for reading the raw thoughts of the depth of my soul,

Hayden's Mama xo