What the heck is CMV?

So, the autopsy report wasn't in yet- I received a call from the clinic to say there was no point in going in for my appointment. I told the receptionist that was fine but that I was really interested in asking my doctor why I received a letter from the hospital informing me I had an appointment for blood work on October 20th requested by her. The receptionist then said "Oh, it's probably just to see if it's still there".....umm...what?..."The virus..." **WHAT VIRUS??!?!?!"** "Oh...umm.. I don't know, you will have to talk to Dr. Samson about that". I was just outside the grocery store about to get on my bike to ride home when I discovered that I had a "virus". In a full fledged panic attack I rode home as fast as I could and asked my neighbor to give me a lift to the clinic. I know it is my legal right to have access to my medical records so I walked in and demanded them. I was asked to sit and wait while they spoke to the doctor. I sat near the hallway and watched my doctor enter a room and greet a patient. I was trembling and holding back tears. I felt like my heart beat could be heard by everyone in the room. I looked around, a few pregnant mothers and two men sitting alone, probably waiting for their wives/girl friends. I was trying hard not to lose control. I watched the receptionist take a folder towards the room I saw my doctor go in and wait outside. When the door opened I heard muffled conversation between the two and then my doctor say "Yes, she can have access to anything she wants". She looked up and saw me and so I approached her in the hall and started to explain that I had just learned over the phone that I had a virus and had no idea what was going on right now. She took me to a small side room off the waiting room with no doors, just a small office space with a computer and some files. She started to look over my most recent blood work, the blood work that was taken in the hour after I learned Hayden was dead. She said she had already told me I had this virus and I became a bit angry- "No, you didn't, I was never told I had a virus, what is CMV? Is this why my son died?!?" She again told me she had previously made me aware that I had this and I continued to correct her. She asked me to keep my voice down. Was this actually happening? Was I freaking out at a doctor's office and being told to calm down? How on earth has my life come to this? In that moment I felt like a lioness, a desperate mother who would stop at nothing for answers. She sat me down and explained how CMV was very common, she might even test positive for it right now if she were to check, and that because Hayden's post-mortem ultrasound by the specialist did not indicate any abnormalities of the brain or anything suspicious at all it was unlikely that my CMV had affected him. Tears swelled up in my eyes as I asked her more questions, I started to relax and wiped my eyes then she asked me if I was O.K now- I told her I am never O.K and she said she could understand. I was left alone with a box of tissues while she went to make photocopies and then I really fell apart. I spent a few moments gathering my composure before I started for the door. I knew everyone in that waiting room was looking at me and I didn't care. Good! Look at me you pregnant happy women! Look at what can happen! You aren't really having a baby until you have him.. you never know- I didn't.

There is still something fishy about all of this. First of all, if they knew I had CMV before I went in to labor why didn't they request to have an ultrasound done to at least check on the baby to see if he was affected? I have looked up everything I could on the CMV virus/infection and I am still confused. I am confused wondering why the doctors did not do anything about my "CMV". It is like it was just "missed" or neglected.

I am waiting now for that final autopsy report to come back and give me a final reason for death. If the CMV virus had ANYTHING to do with Hayden's death I don't know what I will do. A lawsuit? There is a treatment for that virus in pregnancy and I was never offered one, I was never explained what CMV was or that I had it. When I told this story to Nick he said he somewhat remembers an appointment with that doctor where she told me I tested positive for something but that it was absolutely normal and nothing to be alarmed about. Maybe that is what she was talking about. She still didn't tell me WHAT it was so I could find out for myself and decide myself if I should be concerned or not. I am at a loss right now. I was getting so strong and so positive now I can't even write. I have a silencing darkness lingering inside me until I finally get those results. The thought that this could have been prevented is crippling to me.

I found this article and it makes me angry.. If anyone knows anything about CMV in pregnancy please contact me.



xo
Hayden's Mama