Note to self: Don't grocery shop at 9:30am

I guess I should refrain from going to the super market early in the morning. I didn't realize that was the prime time for pregnant women and women with newborns to shop. I just wanted to get some milk for my morning coffee and instead I got a landslide of emotions reminding me how screwed up this is. I should be in there browsing the aisles with Hayden sleeping peacefully in his car seat on my cart. I was so excited that he would be born in the spring and had a beautiful wrap all ready to "baby wear" him on strolls in the trail. Nick and I watched tons of YouTube video tutorials on how to wear your baby in one of those wraps and practiced with teddy bears and laughed at the complication it was. My baby isn't here but all these other babies are. Some days that is so hard to face. Sometimes I feel like I am standing in a room with thin walls and no where to escape and I can hear the flood approaching. It's loud and it scares me because I know the walls won't hold it back and I know I am going to drown. 

Seeing all those happy women and all those sleeping babies today ruined it for me. I was going to ride my bike to yoga this afternoon but now I don't feel like leaving the house. I guess this is to be expected. Everyday is a new challenge and sometimes it is too hard to face and other times you can pull through. This truly is a "journey" and has all the ups and downs I was told it would. 

I must say, the weather has been helpful lately and riding my "new" bike around has been very peaceful. The breeze through my hair as I glide around corners, scaring squirrels up trees and feeling the heat in my muscles as I peddle is really therapeutic. Maybe I will take my bike out again today, even though I missed my yoga class I can still enjoy this day.

Writing these blogs are also therapeutic, and I know after I publish this one something heavy will be lifted. I would encourage everyone who is embarking down the path of life after loss to document their journey and to write their daily feelings....and to ride their bikes! :)



 xox,

Hayden's Mama