"Cord Accident"

It has been over 3 months now.
I've been waiting to find out 102 days.
Edge of my seat, nervous thoughts, anger and paranoia moving in and out of me depending on the day and the minute. At least that part is laid to rest.

Cause of death: "Cord accident"

I am relieved that it was nothing I did or could have prevented. I am relieved to know I am capable of having healthy babies. But there is something lingering over this that hurts very deeply. He was perfect! I always knew it but now I have a doctor's words to confirm it. Hayden was well developed, well grown, every organ and every body part was absolute perfection. This was a freak accident. An unfortunate turn of events in the last few hours he was in my womb. How do you get that far in a pregnancy only to lose your baby at the last minute?

My son was eight pounds and three ounces of perfect.
He was 21 inches long of healthy.
He was ready to survive outside of me.
He should have came into this world screaming and kicking.
Instead he came in to it sleeping. A forever sleep.
I am not sure what this all means for me.
What will I become? Better or worse?
This will ALWAYS be here.
You don't lose a child and eventually get over it.


The doctor told me that sometimes the cord gets pinched a certain way. He likely did not suffer and that it probably happened very quickly. She said these things happen, rarely, but still happen. I am a statistic. I struggle with the ideas of random occurrences versus fate. Either this was just a result of something that had nothing to do with anything, just bad luck for me I guess, or, this was a burden I was chosen to bear. I can't even get in to this kind of thinking now, I am numb and my brain is in shock. I have no fancy words, I can't remember how to form sentences with metaphors and I can't think of any other word but "perfect" and am trying really hard not to sound repetitive.

I used to lay in bed an fantasize about time travel. I would think about the possibility that I could bargain my way in to going back in time to the day before we lost Hayden. It would be Nick and I making that trip together and I would think about all the occurrences that happened in the days and weeks since which we would have to go on pretending didn't happen. A little secret that only we knew. I would think about how I would go about convincing the medical staff that I needed an emergency C section even though he was alive and well. I would picture myself needing to put on a huge show of complete hysteria just to remain hooked up to the monitors. I even thought maybe we would have to approach our doctor before making the trip to the past and get her to agree to come with us so that there was no way anything could go wrong. She would know that we needed to evacuate Hayden right away before he died and everything would be fine. She would have to vow not to tell anyone and to go on like she didn't know the future even though she did. I fantasized about this all the time in the first few weeks. I thought of every detail. Now that it has been 102 days I am unable to think that way anymore. Too much time has passed now, I no longer dream of ways to bring him back. I guess that means, in a way, I have accepted his death. Now I am stuck in a place of grief and memory. Fading images of his little face close to mine, forgetting what 8.3 pounds felt like in my arms, trying hard not to but inevitable forgetting.

A cord accident. Simple as that. I think about all the times the garden hose became twisted and the flow of water to my plants ceased. How I would scowl and go up my lawn looking for the cause. My beautiful son. My first child. All of these things I make associates with, all comes back in full circle to this feeling.

I can't say anything else, I can't end this blog right because I am no longer able to think. I keep trying for a poetic way out or a literary Que to leave. These words are in shock just as I am, they can't finish their thoughts either or make sense. So instead of trying to find an exit strategy I will just end it abruptly.

- Hayden's Mama