Since you left

Dear Hayden,

I know you're not going to read this. That's OK.

I just want to tell you about what Mommy has been doing since I last saw you. We have been apart for 107 days, 2 hours and 53 minutes.
That is 2,570 hours
154,253 minutes
This is all the time I have been given so far to try to process why this happened and figure out how to go on without you.
Your Daddy and I have missed you very much. We have missed you every one of those minutes. Our love for you keeps growing just the same as if you were here with us. I don't even know what you would look like now. Would you still look so much like me?

We lost you at the beginning of spring. There was snow on the ground then and we had to shovel the driveway most days just to leave the house. Now it's the middle of Summer and the buzz of the air conditioner hums as I write this. The mosquitoes are trying to get in through the screen window and my forehead is damp from the heat. Fiddle head season came and went, I didn't even bother to pick any this year. It's now too late to start the garden, I wasn't up for it I guess so the weeds are overtaking it like a tiny jungle (not only was I not up to it- I also thought everything I touched would die). I didn't even plant my favorite, Rosemary, I loved baking fresh Rosemary bread, come to think of it, I haven't even baked bread since you died.

Baby steps. That is what life is for me now. Just as you would be taking in the next few months, baby steps are what I have been taking in the wake of losing you.

Here are some of the things your Mommy has been doing since we said goodbye.

Only 2 weeks after we lost you I lost my childhood best friend. My great grandma died 4 days before her 100th birthday (you died 4 days after your due date) and on my way home to Bathurst for her funeral in the middle of the night at the gas station it cost $44.44 to fill my tank.

   In her casket I placed this note. I couldn't wait to introduce you to her. It was a family dream to have pictures taken of the two of you.

 Your Dad and I took up knitting! Yup!
It helped keep our hands busy and our heads focused. Your father is a VERY good knitter! He got really in to it for awhile and we sat through endless YouTube videos explaining different techniques.

 

We got Poppy a new bed from Costco, she LOVES it.

 We made a fire.

. 

We took you home in the urn your Grampy built. It is in the same place where your crib was once set up

A June bug landed in my coffee. It's OK though, there was only one sip left.

I did our taxes 

I sent funny pictures to your Daddy during the day when we were apart. 

 I started taking some progress pictures, the belly sure has gone down but it                                                   is still very apparent that you were there!

Your daddy and I hung out with the largest axe in the world.

I bought a floppy hat

I put on a puppet show for my favorite little kiddies at the library

I took funny pictures with Hitch

I tried "Juicing"

Realized I truly enjoy solids. Made delicious veggie burgers with the gunk that was left from juicing.

Became OBSESSED with Civ5 and began world domination.

Went camping with your daddy and Poppy

Married your Daddy and became the official step mom to your big brother D

Took a wedding selfie

Survived Hurricane Arthur with minimal damage and only 3 days without power

Started corresponding with the Author of "Still." She told your mommy she is very sorry we have to live without you, she understands this kind of thing.

I try to sit outside in the mornings when the sun is shinning bright and listen to the birds. I imagine you as a sun ray on my eye lids and smile.

And most recently, I went strawberry picking! 

A lot has happened but nothing has changed. Not with the way I love you or the pain I wake up with. I am desperately waiting for a sign from you telling me this is all going to be OK, that you will make sure your Daddy and I have more babies and that you will watch over them and keep them safe and alive.

I miss you beyond rhyme or reason.

Xox

Your Mama